tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33322431719085297352024-03-13T07:27:52.883-07:00Black Lantern PublishingAn Online Art & Literary Journal Volume II Spring 2010Black Lantern Publishinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03518987506476604460noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3332243171908529735.post-52037339598451748642010-01-08T16:18:00.000-08:002010-01-08T16:32:44.546-08:00Blood<meta equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><meta name="ProgId" content="Word.Document"><meta name="Generator" content="Microsoft Word 12"><meta name="Originator" content="Microsoft Word 12"><link rel="File-List" href="file:///C:%5CUsers%5CBecca%5CAppData%5CLocal%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_filelist.xml"><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:officedocumentsettings> <o:allowpng/> <o:pixelsperinch>72</o:PixelsPerInch> <o:targetscreensize>1024x768</o:TargetScreenSize> </o:OfficeDocumentSettings> </xml><![endif]--><link rel="themeData" 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mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: 200%;font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-style: italic;">by Erin Swan</span>
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unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Book Title"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="37" name="Bibliography"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" qformat="true" name="TOC Heading"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><style> <!-- /* Font Definitions */ @font-face {font-family:"Cambria Math"; panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4; mso-font-charset:0; mso-generic-font-family:roman; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:-1610611985 1107304683 0 0 159 0;} @font-face {font-family:Cambria; panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4; mso-font-charset:0; mso-generic-font-family:roman; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:-1610611985 1073741899 0 0 159 0;} /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-unhide:no; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; margin-top:0in; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:10.0pt; margin-left:0in; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Cambria","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria; 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mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:georgia;">Focus on the girl.<span style=""> </span>Head bent, her eyes in turn focused on the page.<span style=""> </span>Eleven, maybe twelve, her legs crossed, the rough carpeting of the hotel library scratching at her ankles.<span style=""> </span>Her pale cotton trousers a little too short, her sweater nubbled with overuse, her glasses, too large and too pink, resting on a nose still waiting to lengthen and grow.<span style=""> </span>Hair tucked behind her ears, one slick strand brushing her cheek.<span style=""> </span>The last time she washed it was in the sink, her mother’s hard hands struggling, with little success, to un-knot the tangles, the girl’s neck cramping against the sink’s stainless steel edge.<span style=""> </span>Her body gives off a slight odor, troubled sleep mixed with damp earth, an odor of dormancy, of March just after the snow has melted.</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:georgia;">
<br /><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:georgia;"><span style=""> </span>She is sitting on the floor between two armchairs.<span style=""> </span>An elderly man with bristled cheeks dozes in one chair; the other one is vacant.<span style=""> </span>The rest of the library is empty.<span style=""> </span>It is February and a dreary rain taps at the windows.<span style=""> </span>The lawns outside are silvered with it, old patches of snow pocked into submission.<span style=""> </span>Beyond the lawns and the putting green and the carriage roads, the lake heaves slightly, like a man turning in his bed.<span style=""> </span>She remembers that lake in November.<span style=""> </span>It was different then, its little waves more melancholy than tumultuous, licking, licking at the shore, though the weather was the same.<span style=""> </span>The rain had been tinkling all around her, and she had sat in a gazebo and stared at the lake and its waves, and she doesn’t remember if she had been wearing a jacket or not, but she remembers being cold, and she had sat there and maybe she had cried and maybe she hadn’t.<span style=""> </span>Mostly what she remembers is the water and the lick, lick, licking of the lake at the shore.</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:georgia;">
<br /><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:georgia;"><span style=""> </span>The book in her lap is featureless.<span style=""> </span>A blank black cover, cloth-covered and soft to the touch.<span style=""> </span>Pages without mark or notation, browned at the edges with age, set with close type, black letters scrunched together into a maze that she has been picking her way through step by step since she discovered the book in late December.<span style=""> </span>Post-Christmas, her throat still sour with guilt over declaring it was the best Christmas ever because her mother had given her the stuffed bear she had been coveting since she was eight, and then the look on her mother’s face, and that slow horrible afternoon of the drawn shades and the reeling of the old super-eight projector, the pathetic flicker of home movies against the living room wall.<span style=""> </span>Placing the bear on her dresser, where it sat all winter, its glass eyes gradually dimmed by dust.</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:georgia;">
<br /><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" face="georgia" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><span style=""> </span>And then discovering the book, one day with nothing to do, wandering into the library that her father had designed, idly browsing the shelves, her fingertips tripping over copies of <i style="">Heidi</i> and <i style="">The Farmers Almanac</i> and Danielle Steele novels, before they tripped over the blank black binding and stopped.<span style=""> </span>She had heard of the book before, dimly, as one might, or might not, remember a dream upon waking.<span style=""> </span>She knew nothing of what it was about, but she had heard the title and liked it, and it was the title that made her pick it up.<span style=""> </span>Settling herself in an armchair, the library as devoid of people then as it was now, she had read the first few pages, painfully, adjusting her eyes to the small print and lengthy, overly structured sentences.<span style=""> </span>Not much, just a description of a small town in Kansas, its people, its geography, its buildings as they were in the 1950s, drab and unassuming.<span style=""> </span>Not what she was looking for.<span style=""> </span>But at the end of page 5, there it was.<span style=""> </span>A brief mention of shotgun blasts and lives lost, four of them, one by one by one.<span style=""> </span>So she kept reading.</p><p class="MsoNormal" face="georgia" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" face="georgia" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><span style=""> </span>Late afternoons or weekend mornings would find her there, after the tiny, excruciating humiliations of school or straight from the hollow tick-ticking of the clock in her Saturday living room.<span style=""> </span>She would trek up the hill from her house, past the barns, the stables, the pen where sometimes she would stop to feed the horses, their breath hot and close on her palm, the carrots or apples she had pilfered from the fridge crunching in a very satisfying way between their big horsey teeth.<span style=""> </span>Brief moment of happiness, standing there with the horses who hadn’t been moved to the valley for the winter, the tough ones, the drays and the mules, their coats shaggy with snow and the whisper of ice all around.<span style=""> </span>Then back on up the hill, up to where the hotel crested the ridge, its stone and wood and glass humped up there on the mountain like a beast half in slumber, its eyes flicking open like lamps turned on in a room.<span style=""> </span>Slipping in through a side door, padding past the black-and-white photos in the long hallways, pictures of people in high collars and long skirts, the shadow of death at their backs.<span style=""> </span>Then maybe the gift shop, where she would slide her allowance across the counter in exchange for a bar of chocolate, something to make the tangled black type slide more easily into her brain.</p><p class="MsoNormal" face="georgia" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" face="georgia" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><span style=""> </span>Finally the library.<span style=""> </span>Raspy, olive-green carpet, the orange luster of the walls, the crissed-crossed wooden ceiling she remembers her father pasting together so delicately in the model he would present to the hotel board.<span style=""> </span>The warm yellow lamplight an antidote to the bluster of the white winter sky outside.<span style=""> </span>The bookshelves, and the book, its black spine the bland blankness of someone who has made a career out of lying, always waiting there for her, the slip of paper poking out where she had marked her page.</p><p class="MsoNormal" face="georgia" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; font-family: georgia;"><span style=""> </span>She never took the book home.<span style=""> </span>She wasn’t sure why.<span style=""> </span>It didn’t seem right somehow, like when they used to bring shells home from the beach in Cape Cod, the way they lost their luster once dried.<span style=""> </span>Besides, she didn’t want to read it all the time.<span style=""> </span>Most of the time it was boring, in that dreadful mind-numbing way adult conversations were boring, people a foot or more taller than you talking over your head about sports or politics.<span style=""> </span>Long convoluted descriptions of the town of Holcomb, the land beyond, the personal history of the Clutters.<span style=""> </span>She only kept going because of the shotgun blasts, because of course with guns comes blood, and for her, with blood came recognition.</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; font-family: georgia;">
<br /><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; font-family: georgia;"><span style=""> </span>On this day in February, she has reached the part where Susan Kidwell pleads her way into the funeral home and then instantly regrets it.<span style=""> </span>The girl’s leg is cramping under her, but she ignores it, her cheeks warming, her lower lip getting damp.<span style=""> </span>Red velvet dress, plaid shirt, navy-blue suit and dress, and the heads of the four, swaddled like babies in thick white cotton, twinkling with a “glossy substance” like “Christmas-tree snow”.</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; font-family: georgia;">
<br /><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; font-family: georgia;"><span style=""> </span>The girl’s breath comes fast, then slow.<span style=""> </span>She finally un-tucks her leg and stretches it out in front of her.<span style=""> </span>Her head falls back and her eyes fog over.</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; font-family: georgia;">
<br /><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; font-family: georgia;"><span style=""> </span>Her mother had asked her if she wanted to see him.<span style=""> </span>No.<span style=""> </span>No, she had said, because she somehow realized that it would be an image burned into her retinas for life.<span style=""> </span>She was afraid of his eyes, although her mother said she had closed them.<span style=""> </span>She was afraid of the blood, too, but more afraid of the eyes.<span style=""> </span>Even so, she had imagined them all the long night that followed.<span style=""> </span>Open and staring, suddenly inhuman.<span style=""> </span>She wasn’t sure which was worse, actually seeing the eyes or imagining them.<span style=""> </span>Like what was worse, seeing your dead friend’s bullet-shattered head or imagining what it looked like under those sheaths of cotton.</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; font-family: georgia;">
<br /><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; font-family: georgia;"><span style=""></span>She closes the book, places it back on the shelf.<span style=""> </span>The old man in the chair snores softly.<span style=""> </span>The dreary rain continues to tap drearily at the windows.<span style=""> </span>Sunday afternoon.<span style=""> </span>Her brother will be at work on the boat docks outside, clearing out the skis and readying the paddle-boats for spring.<span style=""> </span>Her mother will be home, perhaps with a bottle of wine, perhaps with only the empty window for company.<span style=""> </span>She is done with the book for the day and now there is nothing to do.</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; font-family: georgia;">
<br /><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; font-family: georgia;"><span style=""></span>The hotel hallways are quiet this time of year, holiday crowds gone, spring crowds yet to come.<span style=""> </span>They are beginning afternoon tea in the lounge; she can hear the tinkle of cups, the chime chime of teaspoons.<span style=""> </span>Dimly, she ponders the idea of cookies snatched off the platter, but that will not close this particular gap that has opened within her.<span style=""> </span>Instead, she drifts towards the central staircase, the one that winds and winds its way up through the hotel’s inner cavern.<span style="">
<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;font-family:georgia;">
<br /><span style=""></span><o:p></o:p>Up the steps, banister smooth under her palm.<span style=""> </span>Past the lakeside parlor where they held the memorial service.<span style=""> </span>Brief bitter memory of walking out of the bathroom with her baby blue dress accidentally tucked into her tights, the burn of humiliation threaded through the grief.<span style=""> </span>Up, up the stairs into the shadowy echoes of the upper hallways, where the guests are even sparser and old rumors of ghosts huddle in the corners.</p> <p class="MsoNormal" face="georgia" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<br /><o:p></o:p>There is a maid’s cart parked by an open door.<span style=""> </span>She can see the housekeeper inside the room, tucking a fresh white coverlet around the mattress.<span style=""> </span>Her back is turned, her head averted.<span style=""> </span>The girl snags a bar of soap from the cart, slips it into her pocket, then one more for the other pocket.<span style=""> </span>Continues, the whisper of her tennis shoes on the carpet the only sound other than the rain.<span style=""> </span>Dark green wallpaper, oriental carpet, the deep burnish of wood around the doors.<span style=""> </span>Tap, tap, goes the rain.<span style=""> </span>The bars of soap weigh in her pockets.</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in; font-family: georgia;">
<br /><o:p></o:p>She does a quick tour of the whole floor, up one end and down the other.<span style=""> </span>Along the way, she finds one more maid’s cart.<span style=""> </span>Two more soap bars and the end of a croissant left over from someone’s breakfast.<span style=""> </span>Stale, but buttery and good nonetheless.<span style=""> </span>Her tennis shoes whispering on the carpet.<span style=""> </span>At home it would be as silent, but she would be trapped in her room, where the wallpaper is riotous with yellow flowers and the floor is piled high with the detritus of her entire childhood: ancient tea sets, action figures with their faces melted off by lighters, a half-finished copy of <i style="">Little Women</i>.<span style=""> </span>The stuffed bear on top of her dresser surveying the scene with indifference.<span style=""> </span>At least here there is space to roam.</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in; font-family: georgia;">
<br /><o:p></o:p>Back at the central staircase.<span style=""> </span>Winding down and down to the first floor, a straight empty drop down between the steps.<span style=""> </span>Leaning against the railing, she peers down.<span style=""> </span>One guest passes down below, then another.<span style=""> </span>Afternoon tea is in full swing.<span style=""> </span>Even from up here, she can hear the tinkle of spoons against the cups, the crescendo of voices rich enough to afford fresh white coverlets and croissants for breakfast.</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in; font-family: georgia;">
<br /><o:p></o:p>She fishes in her pocket and then leans further over the railing.<span style=""> </span>The soap slips from her hand, straight drop down, plummeting like a man to the floor, but it doesn’t bleed, and it doesn’t have eyes, and when it lands, it bounces slightly and then lays still, just a white speck on the carpet.<span style="">
<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in; font-family: georgia;">
<br /><span style=""></span><o:p></o:p>No one looks up or seems to notice.<span style=""> </span>She drops another one, then the third.<span style=""> </span>The fourth one she holds on to for a moment, briefly imagining it hitting someone.<span style=""> </span>The rubbing of the head, the bewildered look up. <span style=""> </span>Where did that come from?<span style=""> </span>Why did it hit me and not someone else?<span style=""> </span>She caresses it with her fingertips, then lets it slip.<span style=""> </span>Straight trajectory, then that little bounce, and the stillness.<span style=""> </span>Four white squares lying on the carpet down below.<span style=""> </span>Eventually someone will notice them and wonder, but not yet.<span style=""> </span>Eventually she will go back to the book and read on, but not today.<span style=""> </span>Eventually she will get to the part where Nancy’s head exploded like a melon all over the wallpapered wall and Mr. Clutter choked on his own rippling blood, and she will remember the sound of his fists banging, banging against the bathroom wall as the cancer exploded like a melon in his chest, erupting from him to stain the bathroom with a memory she will never be able to shake, so that she will insist on having her hair washed in the kitchen until they finally move out of that house.<span style=""> </span>The cramp in her neck from the stainless steel edge, the odor of dormancy rising from her like the lawns outside come March.</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<br /><o:p></o:p><span style=";font-family:";" ><span style="font-family:georgia;">Damp earth under the rain, the strain of grass roots against the surface, the flutter of her pulse in her wrist, her own blood pounding in her e</span><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;">ar</span></span></span><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;">. </span></span></span></span></p>
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mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><span style=";font-family:";" ><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:georgia;" >© 2010 Erin Swan. All rights reserved.</span></span><o:p></o:p></span></p>
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mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} </style> <![endif]--><span style="font-size:100%;">Erin Swan holds a BA in Creative Writing from New School University and an MA in English Education from Columbia University. Her poems have been published in the <span style="font-style: italic;">Cuirt Journal</span> in Galway, Ireland, as well as in local journals in Woodstock, New York. She has worked in publishing, taught English in South and Southeastern Asia, and is currently teaching literature and writing in a New York City public high school.</span> Black Lantern Publishinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03518987506476604460noreply@blogger.com